True conversation can hold promise
Pastor's Perspective From the Olympian May 17, 2008
Arthur Vaeni
Years ago I met someone at a social gathering whose name sounded familiar. Soon we realized we had known one another as children. It wasn’t a pleasant association. We had belonged to rival gangs –not gangs as they exist today, but two antagonistic groups of kids in nearby neighborhoods.
Most of our clashes involved throwing stones in spring and summer, apples in autumn, and snowballs in winter. Winter altercations were my preference. Having established our past relationship, my new acquaintance and I began exchanging stories. I told him how much I had feared his gang and that I perceived them as hoodlums.
When he responded by saying, “I saw you in the same way,” I was stunned. How could that be? Clearly, they were the bad guys. My friends and I only acted in self-defense. At least, that’s the story we told ourselves. A perception of my gang as blameless and the rival gang as troublemakers was so firmly embedded in my self-understanding, it didn’t matter I could recall that my gang sometimes initiated the skirmishes.
That chance conversation provoked a shift in my understanding of human relations. It wasn’t that I hadn’t previously recognized that conflicts can arise from and give rise to skewed perceptions, but with this insight into what was a foundational life experience, I felt it in a way I hadn’t before.
I saw how easily and thoroughly one can demonize another even when the evidence may indicate the fault should be shared. And I saw that as important as it was to protect my body from my rival’s assaults, it was equally important to protect my ego from sharing the blame for our conflict. Finally, I saw the possibility for conversation –even a chance conversation at a social gathering- to reveal deeper truths about human relationship.
I believe in the transformative power of conversation. That doesn’t mean I believe conversation always leads to agreement between people with differing opinions, or that conversation between adversaries will necessarily lead to friendship.
But I do believe that true conversation holds the promise of opening us to the humanity of those with whom we disagree and to the validity of their perspective. Again, that’s not the same as agreeing with their perspective, but it’s recognizing that their aspirations are also real and important to them. Such recognition likely won’t resolve the conflict by itself, but it can lead to bridging divisions and initiating healing.
Over the past year our community has experienced conflicts that have evoked divisiveness, distrust and in some cases, violence, as in the Port protests and May Day demonstration. Presently, at the instigation of the City of Olympia and The Evergreen State College, the Dispute Resolution Center (DRC) has invited representatives from the city, college, port, and activist and religious communities to plan a public conversation.
It will draw on a public conversations model that’s been used successfully by various organizations and communities. The structure allows for people with opposing viewpoints to speak with one another in a safe environment. To say that it will be safe does not mean it will be easy.
While people from particular groups will be invited to ensure a diverse gathering, anyone who can attend in the spirit of good will is welcomed to participate. It will be helpful to the planning process, once the date is announced, to let the DRC know you’re coming.
No one has illusions that a single conversation will resolve deeply held differences or heal our community’s animosity, but it may start us down the path where speaking our individual truths lead toward reconciliation.
- Rev. Arthur Vaeni